Scared But So Alive
by Bacalao
Summary: Repost after Beta - This is Alicia after the last moment we saw on TV, one of so many possible outcomes…


Disclaimer, nothing you recognize from TGW belongs to me, and no money will be made from this.

Well when I started to write this it was supposed to be a one shot, in a way it still is. I read some really good things about Alicia at the end of the season and I hope this will not be the

bad addition to those line stories.

Again thanks so much Tish, I was so busy and she so patient You are great girl!

Scared But So Alive!

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking into an actual window in what had been the soul of her family for longer than a decade was comforting and disturbing at the same time.

Her feet pointed away from the house her car back to it. So cliché but so fitting like nothing else she had noticed lately.

How many times had she prepared the table for them? Had Peter been standing in the same spot she stood in right now, looking in and watching her and the kids?

Did he ever want to turn around and drive away? Maybe he did once or twice? Did he watch them and then turn to leave for his hooker? Or Leela. Or…

She had always believed that sex between them had been good, sometimes even great. Had he ever made any suggestions that he wanted something different? Did she not hear or simply did she pretend not to hear it? Maybe he did not even try to say anything because he simply assumed she would never go for it.

About a year ago, the path had seemed to be so clear. She had done what she wanted to do for the first time in a long row of decisions always based on the needs of the people around her.

The promise of one hour had turned into some powerful months.

She could not remember when she had felt more alive.

She knew when he was close because all her senses had been tuned into him. Every touch, even the smallest brush had felt like a lightening strike.

When they had been alone, everything had seemed simple but as soon as the doors to the outside world opened, she froze.

Since they broke up, she replayed every moment over and over in her head contemplating which had decision had been right and which had been wrong.

Now she was surprised that she had not made the morning headlines. In retrospective, it seemed everybody knew or was able to pick up on their… what was that connection?

He had told her that he loved her and she had said she did not want to talk about it.

He had said he wanted to meet her kids and she had said there was no need for that.

He had said he was not interested in anybody else and she had said she did not want to talk about it and to shut up.

Going back in was a safe choice, or maybe just the right one? What if she would simply make a full turn, go back in and have pizza like they had so many times before?

But she was already on the outside, looking in.

When had that happened? She wanted to be in there, but the urge was different. It was more to relax and be on common ground than to really go back. She had moved forward further than she ever realized before.

Did she project her own fears and feelings on her kids, the way she felt when her parents divorced? It had been quiet less public than what had shaken her and Peter's marriage. But…

how had she felt? Had she been as catatonic as Owen said they had been? No, there had been too many indications, all those fights and even worse the silence between their parents. She could remember many evenings spent in the same eerie silence with Peter.

Lately they had better conversations than they had before everything went straight to hell. They had made some mature decisions lately, basing their conversations on true opinions and not hurt feelings.

Looking back in again, she could not help but smile. This was her family or at least a part of it and nothing in the whole world could ever change that.

With a content sigh, she turned and made her way to the car. They would never be together in the way they had been a couple of years ago but in some aspects they would come out of this stronger.

With every step she took in the direction of the car, she became more confident that it would be fine in the end.

Letting go had been the thing she had been so afraid of, so scared that she had not dared to believe in anybody else, not even in herself.

How much had she destroyed?

Sliding behind the wheel, with one last look at the single illuminated window in the house, she hesitated to turn the key.

Had it been a mistake? No, this had been one of the few things that had come from deep inside. Why had he asked? Was there still a chance for them?

What about Callie? About a year ago she had asked him nearly the same question, just with another woman's name.

If she would show up unexpectedly at his place, would he be alone? And if so, would he be willing to listen to her? What would she say if he was willing to listen? She had asked him for plan, but now it was up to her to show him her plan.

Setting the car into motion, she slowly put some distance between herself and the house, a perfect symbol for her old life. Peter and the kids in a full cycle back where they had started but her path had been different.

No going back.

Still contemplating her destination, she slowly made her way back to downtown Chicago. The light on the skyscrapers glistening like stars.

Office? Apartment? Hers? His?

There had been a time she had been so scared but so alive at the same time. A certain someone had made her feel so special and treated her as if she had been the most precious thing in the world. He had been her weakness but looking back this weakness had given her so much power and had made her stronger than ever before. If she had only been able to believe what her heart had told her, no not told her but yelled at her. But the noise had been too loud even for her inner voice to hear.

Her fears be damned. She knew if she wanted a second chance, she had to say something, anything. She had wounded him so badly for him to ever move into her direction as more than just a friend and also this only if she was really lucky.

Being silent now would make the bad timing valid for the rest of their lives.

Making up her mind, she took a left turn. Today was the time for a good timing, at least she hoped so.

Her heart started to beat faster and with a funny feeling in her stomach, she felt like a teenager again. He always had the ability to do this to her. Time to let him know what this was doing to her.

She could not remember when she had been this scared but also not remember when she had felt more alive.

THE END

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